Welcome to another maddening March that promises to have a bonkers basketball postseason in the annual NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. 68 teams have been set into the big bracket, and it seems safe to say that the starters on these teams are probably there based on merit, or at least any illegal activity was done with boosters in the more traditional way rather than altering SAT scores at their wealthy parents behest. It is even safer to say that the final bracket will turn out exactly as anyone expects, but therein lies the fun! I have spoken in the past about the tournament, and about my favorite bracket to make: a mascot bracket. Seeing as it’s that time again, let’s fill out a bracket with the winner of each match not based on any prediction, but rather decided by the best mascot within each team’s official history! This allows for the entire lineage of each mascot to be considered, and check out this selection SB Nation dug out of the dusty scrapbooks of some schools for some horrifying versions gladly forgotten (until this tourney time!). Let’s begin!
First Four
Belmont Bruins vs. Temple Owls – It’s between Belmont’s weird wolf-like bear and Temple’s squinting, shrieking owl, and I’ve got to give the edge to the cherry-colored nocturnal raptors of Pennsylvania.
Owls
North Dakota State Bison vs. North Carolina Central Eagles – “U mad bro?” is what the Eagle seems to be conveying, but it isn’t enough to get past that Bison.
Bison
Arizona State Sun Devils vs. St. John’s Red Storm – Thunderbird is the first mascot that St. John’s has had in some time, but that gnarly devil is too much for even this storm to weather.
Sun Devils
Fairleigh Dickinson Knights vs. Prairie View A&M Panthers – I think that horse is constipated, but I know those panthers are possessed. Look at this thing! It looks like Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Panthers
I will write the winners of these four mascot matchups in as the definitive adversary for the set Round of 64 teams where applicable.
Round of 64
East
Duke Blue Devils vs. North Dakota State Bison – Duke’s devil has plenty of terror, like a Cronenberg body horror movie, but lacks the charming terror of the Sun Devil.
Bison
Virginia Commonwealth Rams vs. Central Florida Knights – I found a picture with both of UCF’s gold plated knights in it, and while it is impressive that one rides into football games on a horse, I think it’s one step away from advertising shitty beer. Besides, that Ram is cartoonish and conniving; he’s up to something. For what it’s worth, I gave UCF more credit her than the CFP probably ever will.
Rams
Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. Liberty Flames – Nice family portrait there, dogs, but as God as my witness, I love Sparky the Eagle!
Flames
Virginia Tech Hokies vs. St. Louis Billikens – This is a strong early battle; the kind of match we play the games for. I prefer the silly, smile-less billiken to the newer, more intense one, and that provides the push needed to get past the Tech turkey.
Billikens
Maryland Terrapins vs. Temple Owls – You dance, funky turtle, you dance the night away!
Terrapins
Louisiana State Tigers vs. Yale Bulldogs – Mike the Tiger is a goofball, which usually counts for more, but in this case, Boola the Bulldog’s Ivy League credentials help him keep a professional composure and a winning smile to move on.
Bulldogs
Louisville Cardinals vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers – Thank you so much to the SB Nation staff who uncovered that magnificent lazy-eyed, dapper cardinal mascot picture. You could shower me with the full assemblage of goofy gophers (and Minnesota’s are plenty goofy), but the most Bidoofy buffoon from the Twin Cities cannot compare to this wacky bird.
Cardinals
Michigan State Spartans vs. Bradley Braves – Remember in 2006 when Bradley faced off against Pittsburgh and the shorthand on the scoreboard read “Brad-Pitt”? That was fun. Remember when Michigan State had a Sparty outfit that was just an oversized head? That’s pretty funny too. But nowhere near as funny as Bradley mascot Kaboom! Kaboom is almost certainly a change to a Braves’ original mascot who was based on Native American culture in a way that was not represented fairly or flatteringly, kind of like Syracuse (whose modern mascot you’ll see soon). No matter how Kaboom got here, you’ve got to love how he practices good traffic safety. Look for him to take down a perennial power – in both the actual sport and mascot contention – early.
Braves
West
Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Prairie View A&M Panthers – There is something so concerningly wrong with those Panthers… and it’s just the right stuff for here!
Panthers
Syracuse Orange vs. Baylor Bears – I love when schools have mascot couples, but do you know what I love more? Wacky oversized blobs of color!
Orange
Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Murray State Racers – Golden eagles are some of the most majestically, beautiful birds you can see in this country, and Marquette’s mascot does the species justice in mascot form. Murray State’s horse has running shoes.
Golden Eagles
Florida State Seminoles vs. Vermont Catamounts – Props to Vermont for not calling it a wildcat. And even more props for having that cat pop on some ice skates! FSU’s pony has some nice face paint, but I doubt it can take to the ice.
Catamounts
Buffalo Bulls vs. Arizona State Sun Devils – The Mr. and Mrs. Bulls are cute and all, but can’t match up. You could stick those eyes on anything and it’d be too freaky. They could be the Arizona State Sun Dials and still be frightening with that evil grin.
Sun Devils
Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. Northern Kentucky Norse – These are truly two of the most terrifying anthropomorphic renditions in all of mascotry. The Red Raider we’ve seen before, but behold the inherent creepiness of the Norse! Interesting that they didn’t go for Norsemen, but maybe their being progressive. You go NKU, but not past this round, unfortunately.
Red Raiders
Nevada Wolfpack vs. Florida Gators – Okay, let’s get one thing straight: those aren’t wolves, Nevada. Those are cats. Or teddy bears. Or teddy bear cats. Either way, they freak me out, but I like them to best Albert Gator.
Wolfpack
Michigan Wolverines vs. Montana Grizzlies – Still no mascot for the sorry sacks from the school up North. Not that it would matter though, as the school from geographically farther North than them has Monte, a bandana-wearing grizzly bear who sometimes rides in on a motorcycle.
Grizzlies
South
Virginia Cavaliers vs. Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs – Last year, Virginia was the top-rated overall seed in the tournament and became the first #1 seed to lose to a #16 seed. Fortunately for them, Maryland-Baltimore County did not make the tourney this season, but unfortunately for them, Gardner-Webb’s bulldog mascots Mack and Lulu got married and I love their wedding pictures.
Runnin’ Bulldogs
Mississippi Rebels vs. Oklahoma Sooners – It’s too bad that Lucasfilm and Ole Miss couldn’t work out an arrangement to make Admiral Ackbar mascot when the school was looking for a new, less racist face for the moniker “Rebel”. They instead settled on a black bear, but recently switched over to a bizarre creature of the deep called Landshark Tony. I can’t decide if he’s going to eat that child or not, but it’s still enough to beat out the Sooner’s horsey.
Rebels
Wisconsin Badgers vs. Oregon Ducks – Bucky Badger and the not-directly-Disney duck Puddles are two of the best known mascots in college athletics, but you may not have seen their other forms. Bucky looks fairly similar, but recently, Oregon unsuccessfully tried to incorporate the horrifically monstrous Mandrake (the duck that looks like Usain Bolt and Darkwing Duck melded in the transporter from The Fly). This, coupled with an earlier rendition of the wacky waterfowl from the West provides enough ammunition for Oregon to surpass the Badgers.
Ducks
Kansas State Wildcats vs. California-Irvine Anteaters – There is no shortage of Wildcats in college sports, and even a few Willies, but K State’s may be the best. Usually he advances his team pretty far in this bracket. But usually he doesn’t come up against Peter the Anteater, who used to look like this.
Anteaters
Villanova Wildcats vs. St. Mary’s Gaels – This Wildcat looks greatly concerned. Perhaps it is because he is looking upon the hippie caveman who is the chill Gael of this tournament (there are more). I don’t particularly love either of these, but I guess I’ll go with the one that doesn’t look like Dan Aykroyd’s blown up over He-Man wearing Uggs.
Wildcats
Purdue Boilermakers vs. Old Dominion Monarchs – Old Dominion’s lion looks like he’s stoned in a rap video, but Purdue Pete looks like he’s about to smash your head in with that sledgehammer and not even react to the blood that will spray upon his lifeless visage.
Monarchs
Cincinnati Bearcats vs. Iowa Hawkeyes – I included some old style mascots here, and I definitely prefer the grossly misinterpreted binturong.
Bearcats
Tennessee Volunteers vs. Colgate Raiders – No, they’re not the Toothpastes or Fightin’ Flossers, but Colgate’s Raider is a red-eyed demon from the hellscape. What’s that? He’s actually not? Well, I beg to differ. Also, Smokey is less off-putting.
Volunteers
Midwest
North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Iona Gaels – Yes, this is the second Gael we’ve seen, and he’s easily the more intense one. Normally I’m a fan, but seeing as this Gael is matched up against an equally intense mascot that has horns instead of a hat, I’ve got to give the nod to the goat.
Tar Heels
Utah State Aggies vs. Washington Huskies – Like Tennessee, Washington does the live dog and guy-in-a-suit mascot thing, but have you seen Big Blue the Utah State Aggies’ bull?!
Aggies
Auburn Tigers vs. New Mexico State Aggies – Look at that sexy tiger! And look at those… guys with fake mustaches? These Aggies are not Big Blue on an ATV (you bet it’s a thing). Game, Tigers.
Tigers
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Northeastern Huskies – I like how the Husky’s tongue hangs out of its mouth, but there is a reason why the Jayhawk is one of my favorites.
Jayhawks
Iowa State Cyclones vs. Ohio State Buckeyes – Obviously, I have a personal bias where this game is concerned, however, from a mascot perspective I can rule more objectively. The key is to look at the full history, and that SB Nation post I referenced earlier gave me option for both of these teams! Brutus Buckeye looks better today, for sure, whereas, like before, the early cardinal renditions are amazing! Louis Armstrong certainly approves.
Cyclones
Houston Cougars vs. Georgia State Panthers – It’s the battle of two cats that aren’t Wildcats or Tigers! This is exciting! Especially considering that panther looks like it’s Force choking me! Props to GSU for focusing their efforts less on eye shadow and more on fierce!
Panthers
Wofford Terriers vs. Seton Hall Pirates – That dog’s seen some shit. Both the mascot and living terrier. Yet so has the pirate, who has lived life so much that he’s even lost an eye through the years.
Pirates
Kentucky Wildcats vs. Abilene Christian Wildcats – Some really hot Wildcat on Wildcat action in this one! Maybe Abilene Christian isn’t into that. I’m certainly into Willie the Wildcat though, so the nod goes to Abilene.
Wildcats (the pious ones)
Round of 32
East
North Dakota State Bison vs. Virginia Commonwealth Rams – The Ram is still scheming, perhaps well enough to advance even further.
Rams
Liberty Flames vs. St. Louis Billikens – This is tough. Goofy eagle or weird, mischievous specter? I’ll go with the latter by a hair.
Billikens
Maryland Terrapins vs. Yale Bulldogs – Is it a terrapble day for the Bulldogs? Or a terribull day for the Terrapins? I’m thinking the former.
Terrapins
Louisville Cardinals vs. Bradley Braves – This is a surprisingly good matchup, but one of these looks like a guest character on Disney’s Vampirina, and the other looks a papier mache bird that had too much to drink. I think we know who wins.
Cardinals
West
Prairie View A&M Panthers vs. Syracuse Orange – I love the Orange, but these Panthers are so hot right now!
Panthers
Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Vermount Catamounts – These are two of the most realistically rendered of all these mascots, which makes it difficult to pick. I’ll give the edge to the ice skates again.
Catamounts
Arizona State Sun Devils vs. Texas Tech Red Raiders – The Devil has finally met his match, and it’s name is pseudo-Yosemite Sam.
Red Raiders
Nevada Wolfpack vs. Montana Grizzlies – Monte rocks the hell out of that bandana, man. Also, he’s clearly a bear. Figure out what you are, Wolfpack family!
Grizzlies
South
Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs vs. Mississippi Rebels – Why is the Landshark’s name Tony? Who cares? He’s better than the Bulldogs.
Rebels
Oregon Ducks vs. California-Irvine Anteaters – Down on the West Coast, they got a saying: if you’re not drinking, then you’re not playing. Well, nobody’s drinking Mandrake the Duck’s Kool-Aid, least of all fans of Peter; he’s more interested in victory… and ants.
Anteaters
Villanova Wildcats vs. Old Dominion Monarchs – I didn’t love this Wildcat in the last round, but I love the wild card that is that kingly cat!
Monarchs
Cincinnati Bearcats vs. Tennessee Volunteers – The Nasty Nati is too nasty for Smokey. Perhaps he’ll volunteer to leave this round.
Bearcats
Midwest
North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Utah State Aggies – Who has the hardiest horns? I’m more concerned with who has the most vacant, crossed eyes. The winners, that’s who.
Aggies
Auburn Tigers vs. Kansas Jayhawks – Tigers are a dime a dozen, and even though Auburn’s is one of the best, nothing compares to that rock chalk.
Jayhawk
Iowa State Cyclones vs. Georgia State Panthers – I like that Panther; I love these crazy cardinals!
Cyclones
Seton Hall Pirates vs. Abilene Christian Wildcats – Jazzercise Cat!
Wildcats
Sweet Sixteen
Virgina Commonwealth Rams vs. St. Louis Billikens – The Ram looks like an overtly evil Mickey Mouse/devil hybrid, but I know who can beat him: a silly spirit whose face reads, “Meh.”
Billikens
Maryland Terrapins vs. Louisville Cardinals – Party turtle was fun while it lasted, but now is drunk bird’s day!
Cardinals
Prairie View A&M Panthers vs. Vermont Catamounts – More catfights, and this one is no contest.
Panthers
Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. Montana Grizzlies – A motorcyle-riding bear is cool and all, but is he really up to the standard of the Hamburglar sporting a red mustache and sideburns with a cowboy hat?
Red Raiders
Mississippi Rebels vs. California-Irvine Anteaters – That shark thing is starting to freak me out, but fortunately Peter the Anteater is here to save me.
Anteaters
Old Dominion Monarchs vs. Cincinnati Bearcats – Who is the big cat on campus? Not a cat at all; wonky binturongs for the win!
Bearcats
Utah State Aggies vs. Kansas Jayhawks – The bull gave a good run, but this is round where championship contenders emerge, and the Jayhawk is always in the mix.
Jayhawks
Iowa State vs. Abilene Christian Wildcats – Jazz icon or jazz cat? Of course I’ll take Louis Armstrong, but it’s not him who is facing off here. Sorry Cyclones, it’s jazz cats!
Wildcats
Elite Eight
St. Louis Billikens vs. Louisville Cardinals – This has been a surprisingly Louis-filled list, but they are gradually thinning down. Here the cities and schools are measured by mascots of great expression, or lack there of, but one vacant face has a lot more going on in the askew eyes.
Cardinals
Prairie View A&M Panthers vs. Texas Tech Red Raiders – This Raider is clearly armed and has already hunted some big game, but he’s never met cats like this.
Panthers
California-Irvine Anteaters vs. Cincinnati Bearcats – I love these both, but I’m too charmed by the ill-formed Bearcat to say no to him yet.
Bearcats
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Abilene Christian Wildcats – Exercise hour is done, and the time of the Jayhawk has come.
Jayhawks
Final Four
Louisville Cardinals vs. Prairie View A&M Panthers – They are all difficult decisions at this point of the picking game, but these two matchups are really tough. Ultimately, it comes down to the one that has never failed to make me laugh out loud each time I see it.
Cardinals
Cincinnati Bearcats vs. Kansas Jayhawks – Another toughie; another heartbreak for one animal. Similar to previous contest we have a bird against what is at least a colloquial cat, and a similar result from it.
Jayhawks
Championship
Louisville Cardinals vs. Kansas Jayhawks – This is the first time I think that I’ve made a Mascot Bracket where the Championship has been a realistic possibility between two powerhouse programs. It still is probably unlikely to occur, but a better shot than Prairie View A&M making the Final Four (we’ll see if they make it out the First Four first). Nevertheless, this is a contest to determine the best mascot and I can confidently say that the laughter never ceased which means…
Champion
Louisville Cardinals
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Congratulations you boozed up bird! Now have someone take you home.
Thanks for reading! Have fun making your bracket the way you want, and throw a few goofy ones in there for a good time. Maybe one of your silly fills will turn out better than a serious one. However you do it, enjoy it, and be sure to come back here again next week!
You know what to do G,
Alex
iamprobablynotwearinganypantsrightnow 
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